GEEK OUT! JUPITER ASCENDING IS A PIECE OF CRAP THAT EVEN MICHAEL BAY WOULD BE ASHAMED OF

JupiterJones

Written and directed by Lana and Andy Wachowskis.
Starring Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Sean Bean & Eddie Redmayne.

Where do I begin? The fact that Jupiter Ascending had two previous release dates in 2014 before settling on February 2015 was already cause of concern. Add to that the dodgy trailer hinted of a ridiculously fantastical plot, lame dialogue and over the top epic sequences did not help comfort the unease.

Sadly, Jupiter Ascending is even worse than feared and further proof of the Wachowski’s declining stock and together with M Night Shyamalan will only be remembered in positive terms for their first feature. The story – and I will not bother to lay it out here – makes no sense whatsoever, the characters are one dimensional beings with zero depth and the worst part – the film’s attempts to dazzle with special effects fail miserably as well.

Ideas are woven together in a hodge podge of familiar tropes – the Matrix, Star Wars, Cinderella – but executed very poorly. Whilst I appreciate the fact that the Wachowskis tried to craft an original space opera fantasy but chose sacrifice any meaning character development for big explosions, thus dooming their story to insignificance.

The protagonist Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is flat and uninteresting – who is she and what does she want in life? Who knows? The Wachowskis paint her as shallow, weak and inconsequential until the very end, but even then needs to be rescued by the alpha male in the group – Caine Wise (Channing Tatum). Jupiter reacts to the events around her, flailing helplessly as she is exploited by the bigger universe that explodes around her. Truly annoying

A unmitigated disaster. Avoid.

 

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